Cabal Code of Problems
by Brawl499
Summary: The Cabal got 99 problems but Death ain't...oh, no, most of these are Death.
1. Problems 1-5

Author's Note

While playing Destiny, as I was first leveling up to 20, I remember coming across an Auto-Rifle called the Problem 78F, the description of which refers to a Cabal Military Code. This short, 20-chapter story will be exploring at least 100 Cabal Military Code sections and their subsections for specific problems under that category. As the one mentioned in the Description, Problem 78 Subsection F, was humorously described as "Shot full of holes", this story will be a pseudo-parody, more directed at giving the reader humorous, unbelievably idiotic situations to picture the Cabal engaging in rather than a serious military code.

As this chapter alone can demonstrate, the wording and some scenarios in general get up to the level where you might as well have a Cabal open up with claiming he's Johnny Knoxville, so take the story with a light heart and you might like it. Also, it was initially supposed to be 10 a chapter, but I was running thin on ideas and decided to cut it down to 5 per-chapter in hopes that feedback could bring in more ideas for future chapters. As such, if there's a topic you want explored, please say so as posting future chapters will take far longer with no outside input. Just a general one like how in this chapter it's general topics such as Recoil and Flight, and I'll do the rest (IE designing subsections).

Finally, there's a small easter egg/preview hidden within this chapter. A brief mention of a new Cabal unit I've designed for my other Destiny story, Life of the Pack. You'll see the name a few times and even get a slight hint at its abilities, which will be further elaborated upon when it makes a full appearance in Life of the Pack.

Chapter 1: Problems 1-5

_Military Code Doctrine Access Request received, please present authorization…_

_Authenticating…_

_Welcome Primus Sha'aull, presenting Military Code Doctrine…._

Problem 1: Sand

Problem 1, Subsection A: Jammed firearms due to sand clogging (Common complaint among Slug Rifle users)

Problem 1, Subsection B: Sand collected beneath armor plating (Most common cause: "Sand Angel" creation attempts by rookie Sand Eater Legionaries.)

Problem 1, Subsection C: Sand in Goliath Propulsion Jet Servos after attempts to "Duke it" as humans call it, off a sand dune (Times occurred: 12). Advise professional help and military reprimanding for any Goliath crews who see this as a good idea.

Problem 1, Subsection D: Sand in Interceptor internal systems from repeated use in drag-racing across the sands by bored Psions. Warning: Sand damage not covered in Interceptor Warranty. Nor is strangulation of Psion operators by agitated Centurion officers due to drag racing attempts covered in Psion Life Insurance.

Problem 2: Water

Problem 2, Subsection A: Attempted Swimming by any Cabal unit larger than a Psion or Decurio. Attempts most commonly made by rookie Legionaries.

Problem 2, Subsection B: Attempts to see if Interceptors float on water. Warning: Interceptors do not float, they will simply tip right into a sufficiently deep body of water as soon as solid ground is no longer beneath it. In extreme cases, it will explode thereafter.

Problem 2, Subsection C: Attempts to see if Goliath Tanks float on water. They react just as Interceptors do. Side-note: Submersing Goliaths makes excellent blast-fishing method if conventional methods fail.

Problem 2, Subsection D: Attempts to find out if submersing head in ocean can substitute for a popped enviro-suit helmet, commonly results in drowning. Note to all Cabal footsoldiers: We are _not _a water breathing race, that simply does not work.

Problem 2, Subsection E: Attempts to find out if Harvester dropships are submersible. Disclaimer: They are not. (And they explode)

Problem 3: Stuck

Problem 3, Subsection A: Head stuck in ceiling following attempts to use standard-issue jump-jets in flimsy, low-ceiling areas.

Problem 3, Subsection B: Waist and legs stuck in floor, commonly occurs traversing Human housing structures.

Problem 3, Subsection C: Hand stuck in wall. Number of possible causes: 348

Problem 3, Subsection D: Psion stuck in wall after horribly backfired attempt to engage in headbutt-greeting with Legionaries.

Problem 3, Subsection E: Centurion stuck in wall after attempts to jet-jump backwards cause back-mounted fins to become lodged. (Side-Note: Reportedly, it's quite a comedic sight)

Problem 3, Subsection F: Psion or Decurio Maintenance Crews' hands becoming stuck within Interceptor or Goliath engine shafts after failed attempts to fish their lost tools out of said locations. Keep track of your tools, people.

Problem 4: Recoil

Problem 4, Subsection A: Severe bone damage to Psion physiology after pitiful attempts at firing Centurion Projection Rifles. If a weapon is almost as big as you, you probably shouldn't wield it.

Problem 4, Subsection B: Injured Legionaries or Centurions after attempts to sit atop the barrel of a long-range, anti-ship railgun as it fires. Until Cabal doctrine allows female soldiers, this always has been and always will be an unsettlingly painful, no-exceptions bad idea.

Problem 4, Subsection C: Cranial damage from sleeping with one's head resting against the back of a long-range, anti-ship railgun. We may be advanced, but recoil is very much still a real occurrence.

Problem 4, Subsection D: Improperly re-assembled post-cleaning Slug Rifle flung apart from recoil upon trying to fire it. Commonly results in dislodged barrel flying backwards and striking operator in-between the eyes.

Problem 4, Subsection E: Improperly inserted Heavy Slug Thrower barrel causing said barrel to whimsically pop off surrounding weapon system upon firing first round. Note, occurrences are usually followed quickly by cases of attempted murder against Psion weapon maintenance crews by infuriated Colossi.

Problem 5: Flight

Problem 5, Subsection A: Attempts by large-bodied Cabal to take flight by leaping off old human skyscrapers. Your COs do not care if you feel like a majestic bird of flight for the roughly ten seconds before you impact the sand or a shorter building, they are reportedly tired of calling in this issue. (Times reported on-record: 98, 486)

Problem 5, Subsection B: Attempts by Decurio troops to use punctured or otherwise damaged wingsuits. It makes you no brighter than those guilty of committing Problem 5, Subsection A.

Problem 5, Subsection C: Attempts by intoxicated or partially-so Psions to fly Harvester dropships, usually resulting in crashing into the side of ancient human skyscrapers. Only rivaled in stupidity by those guilty of such an action trying to justify it with the claim that it "Adds flair to the building". Harvesters wedged into the side of a building 50-floors up is not appealing, and adds no flair.

Problem 5, Subsection D: Injuries caused by Psions and Decurios trying to latch onto passing Vex Harpies as a means of flight. They will simply jettison you from their person by expanding their moving plates, and most likely open fire on you.

Problem 5, Subsection E: Damaged or lost Centurion thrusters due to illegal, aftermarket modification to increase thrust and, as such, jump height. If it doesn't kill you, the propulsion jets will merely fly off your back, leaving you the laughingstock of your unit.


	2. Problems 6-10

Problem 6: Glass

Problem 6, Subsection A: Cranial and spinal damage from Small-Cabal attempts to leap at reinforced plate-glass windows, commonly results in the attemptee bouncing off with a bass-heavy whump noise.

Problem 6, Subsection B: Massive amounts of window damage from boredom-stricken Psions, Decurios, and Ballistas attempting to film each other diving through windows at various cinematic angles. Please, you're never going to be the next Janos Bo'urne with these stunts, so stop trying. PS: Windows ain't cheap.

Problem 6, Subsection C: Massive sand buildup post-sandstorms within claimed human skyscrapers from those guilty of Problem 6, Subsection B choosing to do so with the external windows. Side-note: Why do you do this? Did you really not expect the window separating you from the outside world to have nothing waiting for you except, oh, I don't know, the _ground?_

Problem 6, Subsection D: Replacement of entire window frame and accompanying glass when large-bodied Cabal seek to "One-Up" the smaller Cabal by replicating Problem 6, Subsection B with larger, bulletproof windows. The smaller Cabal use normal, fragile windows. Did you expect your tubby ass to do anything _but _take the entire pane and accompanying window frame down with you by _body-slamming it?_

Problem 6, Subsection E: Windex. 'Nuff said.

Problem 7: Titans

Problem 7, Subsection A: Attempts by larger Cabal to, as humans call it, "Suplex Throw" a Titan. That's like a Colossus trying to flying-bodyslam a generator: A Bad Idea.

Problem 7, Subsection B: Attempts by lazy Psions to cut corners by harnessing Striker Titans as mobile electrical sources. If that were even physically possible, you would be able to take down a Fallen Captain's shields with jumper cables. It is _not _the same kind of electricity.

Problem 7, Subsection C: Attempts by Psions to "Duke it out" with Titans. Fatality Rate: 98%. Other 2% reported to have survived on account of the Titan laughing and walking away or having already been dead.

Problem 7, Subsection D: Units thinking they can land atop a Defender Titan's shield and stand on it to then jump somewhere else. You and your rounds share a few key differences: The ability or lack thereof to pass through a Defender's shield is one such difference.

Problem 7, Subsection E: Arc Burns after failed attempts to utilize two stolen Lightning Grenades planted on either side of a deceased Cabal's neck. Whoever thought a centuries-old human tale would hold any scientific relevance or weight when re-enacted using grenades strictly on the merit of shape and use of electricity should seek immediate psychiatric evaluation.

Problem 7, Subsection F: Attempts to use the severed arms and hands of deceased Titans to set up phony arm-wrestling victories. To all Psions attempting this: The members of the Decurios and Ballistas you are trying to attract are not impressed, that is a commonly accepted fact (With a poll to back it up).

Problem 8: Hunters

Problem 8, Subsection A: Friendly Fire incidents due to Ballistas attempting to emulate the appearance of Hunters. We do not care if they have "a boss-ass hood", it's not worth being blown halfway back to the Fleet by a Colossi rocket barrage.

Problem 8, Subsection B: Attempts by Decurios to toss their combat knives in a manner similar to Gunslingers. As the hilt of your knives are synced to magnetic grips in your gloves, half the time the knife will not leave your hand, and when it does leave, it'll probably just go right into your foot due to the time at which the mag-grips will release. Same goes for holding it by the blade.

Problem 8, Subsection C: Hand injuries following attempts to wield Hunter knives by the blade due to the common misconception that they wield it this way. No comment.

Problem 8, Subsection D: Pointless loss of life by Psions utilizing captured Hand Cannons: Simply taking the Hand Cannon in one hand and thrusting it barrel-first to the sky will not infuse it with the power to obliterate your enemies in a single shot. Stop trying this during live-fire.

Problem 8, Subsection E: Injury/death following attempts to barter with Hunters utilizing scrap-salvage. They're drifters, not Fallen.

Problem 8, Subsection F: Injury/death following attempted juggling of Hunter knives. Decoded comms say that the Hunters are the showoffs of the Guardians. Leave it to them to try such a stunt.

Problem 9: Warlocks

Problem 9, Subsection A: Massive skeletal damage following attempts by Psions to get in a "Push Fight" with Warlocks. They'll push much harder, trust us.

Problem 9, Subsection B: Failed attempts to see what's under the robes of unsuspecting Warlocks. Note: If trying this on a confirmed female Warlock, leave your tracking GPS on so we know what part of Phobos she punches you to when you're discovered.

Problem 9, Subsection C: Attempts to catch the fragments of Voidwalker Scatter Grenades like they're bits of candy, usually results in substantial injury, limb loss, or death.

Problem 9, Subsection D: Failed attempt by Psions to blend in with Warlock Orders on Patrol using a tattered overcoat. The different digits on the hands is their first giveaway.

Problem 9, Subsection E: Failed attempts to communicate with a Sunsinger by yelling "Praise the Sun" at them. They won't know whether to shoot you or question why you know English. They'll probably resort to both in that order.

Problem 9, Subsection F: Failed attempts to extinguish Sunsinger Warlocks' Radiance ability using buckets of water. Much like the issues revolving around the powers of Arclight, I say again: It doesn't work like that.

Problem 10: Media

Problem 10, Subsection A: Attempts to draw in roaming Guardians utilizing the "Inception Horn" sound recovered from the human land called Hollywood. I understand it was located in an incredibly massive number of locations, but that does not change the stupidity of this tactic.

Problem 10, Subsection B: Attempts by Cabal of all sizes and ranks to establish interspecies relations with female Guardians. They do not care that your knowledge of ancient human media is impressive, your unit's group song and dance rendition of "Psion Style" is not going to win them over, even if it directly calls them sexy.

Problem 10, Subsection C: Broken wrists and spine following attempts to leap out a window dual-wielding Slug Rifles. We do not know who this "John Woo" you keep citing is, but please, stop imitating his work.

Problem 10, Subsection D: Public embarrassment, possible rejection, and maybe even injury following pitiful attempts to attract the female demographic of the Decurio and Ballista troops utilizing an ancient human instrument and rhythmic hip-thrusts. Contrary to your pleas, it is not "Epic", and on the larger Cabal, it just looks silly and disproportionate. Where did you even custom-order a saxophone that big?

Problem 10, Subsection E: Imitating old Earth movies by improperly using demo charges to see how massive a series of explosions you can make. Side-Note: It is understood that not many of these occurrences happen within Meridian Bay, so why does the word 'Bay' keep coming up?

Problem 10, Subsection F: Finding newly issued equipment to be the same as last-year's model with a few minor tweaks. If you're going to keep calling this issue in, why keep issuing the new model to your troops every year?

Post-Chapter Note

Finally got some good ideas going with the help of ThatGalladeAcrossTheStreet, who suggested the Warlock, Titan, and Hunter categories. I wrote in the specific lines, but he gave the idea for the broad concept of the three. And yes, Problem 10 is _all _references and nods with varying levels of being cleverly hidden. Some are outright blatant, whereas others are at least somewhat hidden. I'll admit I was _not _expecting this story to get even remotely as popular as it has, so thanks to everyone who's reviewed, followed, and favorited so far. Another thing to note, the one about large Cabal taking the frame out with them by body slamming a window is actually somewhat morbid: It's an emulation of the 1993 death of Garry Hoy, attempted to be taken in a slightly less dark, more humorous context. (Before anyone tears my head off, go look at the wiki page about him. I'm not the first person to do this)

Finally, on the Gangnam Style joke, I'd be borderline willing to pay to see someone take that idea any further, hands down probably one of the best jokes I feel I've written in a while when it comes to mental imagery.


End file.
